 Her legacy |
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Our Little Angel
My husband and I found out on Mothers day 2006 that we were expecting our first child. We had our first Ultrasound at 7wk 3d. There was our little baby just a bean with a very strong heartbeat. Shortly after that I was hospitalized with severe vomitting and dehydration. After 5 days I was released and the baby and I were doing great. The pregnancy went on as normal with alot of morning sickness. At about 16wks I had a normal blood test called the AFP (alpha-feto protein) this check for Abnormalities and Downs. About 2 wks later the results were back and were positive. My husband and I were then sent to Sacramento to see a Genetics Doctor. After a brief family history My Husband and I were taken in to another room for a Ultrasound. The tech started with the head and continued on. After a few minutes the tech noticed that the baby's intestines were on the outside instead of the inside. This is called gastroschisis, a very rare defect that occurs in less than 1% of pregnancies. After searching for awhile this was the only thing that they found wrong which was a relief. During the ultrasound the baby had turned bottom up and there SHE was all GIRL!!!! I shouted it is a GIRL and My Husband looked at me like I was crazy until the tech said Yes it is. The Doctor then came in and explained everything to us. He stated that everything looks good and that the Abnormality will be corrected after birth. He states that he is going to send me to a perinataloist to be followed very closely. My husband and I drove 2 hours to every appointment. We were also sent to see a Pediactric Cardiologist who also stated that everything was fine. Everytime the Doctor ultrasounded me and said everything was going great and that the baby will be born early at about 34-37weeks. Well after many appointments and 2 episodes of bleeding Still everything was OK according to the Doctor. At About 28 weeks I started having NST test ( Kick counts) 2 times a week at my local OBGYN and was seen in Sacramento every 2 weeks. Throught out most of my pregnancy I had Braxton Hicks contractions and alot of discomfort. At My last appointment at the Perinatalogist I was 32wk 5days Pregnant. This appointment went rather fast. The doctor said everything was fine and at this point I will not deliver until 38/39 weeks. He was so amazed on how well everything was going. He thought that surely by now I would be going once a week or would have been delivered. On December 4,2006 I saw the local OBGYN for my last NST. I was only on the monitor for a very short time when the doctor came in looked at the paper and said OK everything looks great your done. I was somewhat surprised that he pulled me off so soon. Everytime the baby does great, but all I could think was done so soon. He sent me home and that was that. THe next day was Tuesday 12/05/06 the day was great Emma moved all day long we had family over and played games. Emma moved all day and night Flips Kicks and rolls. She even had the hiccups again. Later that night my husband and I layed down for bed. Wednesday morning we woke up and my Husband started to get ready for work. My husband was getting ready to leave when I felt her for the Last time. She had the hiccups and I remember telling my husband to feel. We placed our hands on my belly and just stood there for a few minutes feeling her. Little did we know that this would be the last time. My husband went to work and I laid back down. After waking up I did some house work and Laundry. Through out the day I did not feel right my belly felt hard and uncomfortable. At about 2:00pm I called my Husband and stated to him that I had not felt the baby move. I asked him to call the doctor for me. After speaking to the doctor he advised me to go to the Local Hospital. See I was supposed to Deliver in sacramento at a Level 3 NICU, but he advised me to go here because it was closer. My husband came home immediately and took me to the hospital. After getting into the room I changed into a gown and the nurse procceded to hook me up to the monitor. After a few minutes of trying there was nothing NO Heart Beat. I knew right away. I laid there screeming NO, Please God No. My husband sat there just looking at me not knowing what to think or say. The nurse then brought in my OBGYN and she did a ultrasound and again there was no heart beat. Another Tech came in and for the last time confirmed that Our Little Baby Emma had silently passed away. After holding each other and crying the doctor stated that she needed to check to decide what to do next. During the exam she noticed I was 2cm and 60% effaced. At that time I had to be induced. I labored naturally through out the night and next morning. after 19 hours of Front and back labor with my sciatic nerve pinched I had not progressed. I had then began to Vomit from the pain. At that Point the only thing left was a epidural. After many attempts on this and 2 seperate ones I was finally numb. Shortly after I began to hemorrhage severly. The nurse came in and checked me and I was now 6cm. She than brought my OB over and checked me again. Fearing the worst a placenta abruption and C-sec. We found out everything was OK and now at 8cm before the Doctor could even change her clothes I was at 10cm. All this dilating in 1 hour caused me to bleed. Now at 10cm and ready to push. I pushed for only 7 minutes and delivered a Beautiful Angel Emma Mae on December 07,2006 @ 11:31am
she was 5lbs and 8oz 18 in long. she was Beautiful she looked just like her Daddy. She only had mommy's hands, and feet. The nurses cleaned her up and brought her back to see us. We held for awhile and took many pictures with her. the hospital put together a book of prints and locks of her hair. She was then taken to go to heaven with her Grandpa.
OUR BEAUTIFUL ANGEL MOMMY AND DADDY LOVE YOU VERY MUCH AND MISS YOU WITH ALL OF OUR HEARTS......
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The Best
God saw you getting tired
and a cure was not to be.
So he put his arms around you
and He whispered, "Come with Me"
With tearful eyes we watched you.
We watched you pass away.
Although we loved you dearly,
we could not make you stay.
A golden heart stopped beating,
hard working hands at rest.
God broke our hearts to prove to us,
He chose to take the BEST....
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Remembering Our Precious One
In the rising of the sun and in its going down, we remember you
In the blowing of the wind and in the chill of winter, we remember you
In the opening of buds and in the rebirth of spring, we remember you
In the blueness of the sky and in the warmth of summer, we remember you
In the rustling of the leaves and in the beauty of autumn, we remember you
In the beggining of the year and when it ends, we remember you
When we are weak and in need of strength, we remember you
When we are lost and sick at heart, we remember you
When we have joys we yarn to share, we remember you
For as long as we live , you will live, for now you are a part of us as we remember.
In each retelling, there comes a little bit of healing, a little more acceptance of the reality of our loss.
In each retelling, there comes another acknowledgement, of the uniqueness of the personhood of our precious missing child.
In each retelling, there comes a little less uncertainty, of the finality of their death.
In each retelling, we week a patient audience, who will graciously accept our need to tell them one more time.....
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New Years Resolution
NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS FOR BEREAVED PARENTS
I Resolve:
That I will grieve as much and for as long as I feel like grieving, and that I will not let others put a timetable on my grief.
That I will grieve in whatever way I feel like grieving, and I will ignore those who try to tell me what I should or should not be feeling and how I should or should not be behaving.
That I will cry whenever and wherever I feel like crying, and that I will not hold back my tears just because someone else feels I should be "brave" or "getting better" or "healing by now".
That I will talk about my child as often as I want to, and that I will not let others turn me off just because they can't deal with their own feelings.
That I will not expect family and friends to know how I feel, understanding that one who has not lost a child cannot possibly know how I feel.
That I will not blame myself for my child's death, and I will constantly remind myself that I did the best job of parenting I could possibly have done. But when feelings of guilt are overwhelming, I will remind myself that this is normal part of the grief process and it will pass.
That I will not be afraid or ashamed to seek professional help if I feel it is necessary.
That I will commune with my child at least once a day in whatever way feels comfortable and natural to me, and that I won't feel compelled to explain this communion to others or to justify or even discuss it with them.
That I will try to eat, sleep, and exercise every day in order to give my body strength it will need to help me cope with my grief.
To know that I will heal, even though it will take a long time.
To let myself heal and not feel guilty about feeling better.
To remind myself that the grief process is circuitous–that is, I will not make steady upward progress. And when I find myself slipping back into the old moods of despair and depression, I will tell myself that "slipping backward" is also a normal part of the grief process and these moods, too, will pass.
To try to be happy about something for some part of every day, knowing that at first, I may have to force myself to think cheerful thoughts so eventually they can become a habit.
That I will reach out at times and try to help someone else, knowing that helping others will help me to get over my depression.
That even though my child is dead, I will opt for life, knowing that is what my child would want me to do.
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To My Mommy
Oh Mother, my mother
I touch your tears
invisible fingers
soothing your skin
I know you think of me so often
in the day, in the night,
in your dreams
going into an empty nursery
knowing I'll never be there
but I am...in your heart
in your soul, I shall always be
for you gave so unselfishly
of yourself.
Inside of you, you created
such a world for me
a world of laughter, of love
of sadness, of sorrow
every emotion people come to know
you shared with me.
And even though I may never
feel your arms around me
I felt your heart beating,
like a lullaby, singing me to sleep
and your spirit giving me a safe haven
already protecting me
preparing me of things to come.
But sometimes the journey
of life pulls souls apart
and yes, I had to go on
to another place.
I wish I could stay
I wish this was a decision
I could make
and I know you do too.
Know this wherever you are:
I will always remember
that yours was the first love
the first joy, the first soul
I will ever know
you gave me the courage to
go on in my journey
I hope I can do the same
for you
Your heart beat will always
call me to you.
Love, Emma Mae Your Beautiful Angel.
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DO YOU KNOW
Do you know how hard it is
To not hear your daughter cry?
Do you know how hard it is
To tell her goodbye?
Do you know how hard it is
To look at her empty crib?
Knowing she should be there
Resting her sleepy head.
Do you know how hard it is
Feeling that you're to blame?
And no matter what they tell you
You'll never feel the same.
Do you know how hard it is
To hear that it's God's will?
Do you know the emptiness
when your daughter is born still?
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